What’ll they think of me! It’s the invisible hand that stops us because of what other people think. Many of us have changed our minds, perhaps even our dreams because of what other people think. It might be something trivial like a purchase of a dress or going to an event or it might be something bigger like not grasping the chance of the career we dream of.
Let’s be clear here we are not talking about asking for other’s opinions, which is perfectly normal, health even. No it becomes a problem when you believe what other people think, more than you believe your own opinions. You start to try to get into other peoples’ heads if I wear x they will think y of me and y is usually negative, so we start to conform to what other people think is good, bad, acceptable and unacceptable. You worry about hurting their feelings if you don’t take the opinion that they offer, yet at the same time you don’t worry about how it makes you feel: disappointed, frustrated even angry (at yourself).
Perhaps you recognise some of this people pleasing behaviour in yourself, perhaps you feel that your opinion is no longer your own. What other people think has become the way you decide what to do in your life, you feel trapped when it comes to expressing yourself and your needs.
Can you change; is it possible to wrestle control back? Of course, but the change requires some hard work and a belief in yourself to change. You can do it.
Other people’s opinions do matter, but they are just that an opinion. So if you disagree with an opinion about yourself think “Its not me its you that’s got it wrong”They cannot possibly know what it is like to be you. Whatever you do you will be judged positively or negatively. Indeed perhaps what marks out a good friend is that they will support you regardless if what their own opinion might be. Of course some people might make unkind or even rude comments, but you can choose how to react to them, perhaps they are saying it out of jealousy or insecurity that they wish they had your strength of character.
You should know what matters to you. Perhaps you enjoy fashion or holidays in unconventional places, perhaps you want to give your dream career a go before its too late. But an important step is to listen to what you want and not all the doubts that cloud your dreams. What are your standards, not what other people think, but what you think?
Now try expressing yourself in safe situations, perhaps to a friend who you know will support you no matter what you decide. Don’t expect to get it right every time, sometimes you will make the wrong choice – but it is your choice you are in control of your life not others. In a recent study patients in a hospice were asked what they regretted most. As you might expect there were a variety of things, but the common theme was things that they had not done, not tried. In some cases this was because of what other people think. Don’t let your life be defined by what other people think, grasp your opinions and move forward.