It isn’t a problem – everybody does it
There is an addiction that dare not speak its name. While it has its roots in human history, the ability of the internet to access a wide range of information and sites has made the addiction much more prevalent in today’s society. I am of course talking about internet pornography addiction.
It affects both men and women and with over 4 million sites and nearly 70 million search engine requests per day, we can appreciate the size of the problem. Of course looking at pornography in itself is not a bad or an unhealthy thing, the danger comes when the desire to find the perfect image or the particular partner to have sex with on line, spirals out of control. Hours disappear and it pushes away those around us.
The images release the happy chemicals into our brain just like the real act, like any other addiction the need for ever more stimulation leads to more and more images, searching for particular niches or for that perfect image.
In the final irony after the high comes the despair of shame and guilt in a never ending cycle of anticipation and regret.
Yet as with all addictions it is not only the victim that suffers. Partners can feel betrayed, typically they feel judged and have many questions which often seem impossible to solve.
Why are they doing this? Are the people in the pictures or on-line more attractive than me? There is an undermining of the relationship and there can be a real struggle to rebuild the trust that existed before. There is a choice focus on the pain or focus on the hope, if you want to be with your partner you need to find a way to let go of the anger and that may be to focus on the hope. There will be days when the feelings overwhelm you and your anger will drive hope away but if you feel there is progress hope can return. While pornography can have its place in loving relationships, if it makes one partner uncomfortable or judged or betrayed the conflict has to be resolved. There is no right or wrong both will have strong feelings that need to be taken and validated.
The 3 things you can do today
- Don’t pretend the problem doesn’t exist – talk to your partner about your feelings and fears
- Take practical steps to reduce the chance of viewing internet porn in secret, move the PC to a public room, identify causes and triggers and avoid or mitigate them
- Often the action masks anxieties and underlying problems and you may wish to discuss them with a counsellor.
It is important to realise that you are not alone with this problem and you can (and many do) get better.