The world of fiction is full of characters and their alter egos some who do fight for good like Clark Kent and Superman and some not so good Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Perhaps the truth though might be stranger than fiction. Please don’t think for a moment that I am suggesting that we have split personalities but rather, we chose very carefully what we present to the world so as to be accepted and loved.
Perhaps we even keep parts of our personality secret for fear of judgement or criticism and never really show the real me. This can lead to us distorting who we feel we are. Perhaps we still feel grief at the loss of a loved one after a few months and everyone around you is telling ‘saying’ you should be over it, yet inside the ache of grief continues. How do you reconcile that outward facing acceptance of grief with the inner suffering, without questioning if there is something wrong (with you)?
Of course it not as simple as traits we show and those we hide, the real me is a continuum, meaning that that sometimes our true feelings might slip out. The mask slips as it were. Perhaps someone is frightened of what actions might bring, but rather than show that ‘weakness’ of fear it is easier to be angry even though anger is not normally an acceptable (socially) emotion. So we see one emotion hidden behind another.
The hardest thing is to be able to accept yourself and understand that you have good and bad configurations of your personality. Knowing that there are parts of you that you would rather not have, yet knowing that is the first step in dealing with the consequence. As you learn to accept the person you are you need to twist reality less to make it fit your model of the world. Thus, I see that others have accepted their loss quicker but I know that I am someone who needs and takes a little longer and I love myself enough to do that.
Of course there are those who will judge you for taking such a stance, yet in reality there are those who will judge you for the stance you take in any circumstance. Usually you find that those who matter most to you while not necessarily agreeing with you are prepared to offer you the space and support to do it your way.
One of the things that a counsellor can do it help hold up a mirror and when the time is right reflect the real me that is hidden to you to see. They can help you to look at ways that you might integrate and accept them and rid yourself of the distortions in your life. Indeed the reason that many enter into counselling is just for this reason to try to sort out the internal conflict and connect our map of the world to reality.