Anger seems to pervade our society. We hear of road rage and even trolley rage in our supermarkets. So what is it that makes us angry and what if anything can be done to control our anger?
Anger is the way that we respond when we meet with something that we find unacceptable, whenever we are prevented from doing what we want to achieve or when we have to do something that we disagree with. We feel uncomfortable and that turns to anger. How dare they… that was my….
There is an element of anger which is about loss of control at one level we can’t control the situation and we are faced with unpalatable, unacceptable situations. At another level or emotion wells up and comes out as anger. Perhaps that anger is physical, perhaps it is verbal, perhaps it wears away at you psyche so that you gradually feel more and more detached from reality.
So what is the cure – indeed it there a cure?
The first thing is to understand what the anger is about. If you are faced with an unpleasant situation you have basically 2 outcomes.
The first is there may be something that you can do to change it and if this is the case you can assert your opinion. But it is best to do this from a calm and measured point of view. Say how something make you feel. That makes me feel … or I think it would be better if you… or I would like you to understand that in my opinion. Notice you are ‘owning’ how the situation makes you feel and saying what would help you. You are not attacking the other person.
Your second outcome is that there is nothing you can do. So you have to find some way to accept the situation. Feeling bad or angry about it is unlikely to make the situation change. It may take some work to accept a change you are angry about, so allow yourself lots of space and time. Perhaps even find a method by which you can have an outlet for the feelings. Many find physical exercise reduces the feeling. Perhaps you are more drawn to talking through your feelings.
We also need to create a space between situation and reaction. There is the old adage of counting to 10 and there is some truth here. In taking time to consider your reaction to a situation you are more likely to respond in the way you would like to. Especially at first this can be very hard to do but if you persevere slowly but surely you will be the master of your temper. Initially you will certainly want to take longer than counting to 10. Remember it is ok to say, that makes me feel angry and I want to take some time before responding.
Finally you might want to remember the Buddhist saying
“Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal it is only you that gets burned”