It may come as a surprise to learn that most relationships and marriages die the death of 1,000 cuts not in the supernova of an affair. The slow lingering resentment of two people drifting apart is the course of more failed relationships, with some drifting too near the temptation of an alternative partner or lifestyle.
Compassion
Compassion might be thought of as almost the antidote to repression of feelings. It is the sympathy, perhaps empathy for the distress of your partner. Rather than judging their actions, taking time to understand them helps the relationship. Compassion is key to forming long lasting strong relationships.
It’s worth being clear being compassionate does not require that you change your opinion. You are not required to agree with your partner. In fact being compassionate can be much more emotionally draining than being angry or a push over. It requires that you give your partner your full attention and you try to understand how the situation impacts on them. It is for you to then decide if that changes how you see the world.
Even just this step of thinking about your partner as much as yourself, that single act of compassion can make a big difference to your relationship. You have become aware that there is more to consider than just yourself, you are taking time to deliberately consider your partner’s point of view. This act makes a big difference.
In the same way that anger and resentment are contagious in a relationship, many couples find that compassion is equally infectious. There seems to be an almost primal need in us all to be understood, so we value that in a partner and like the quality in ourselves. So starting sooner rather than later makes sense. As the compassion rises the resentment lessens so the quality of the relationship improves.
The reality is that it is hard to take the first step, it is likely that a couple realising that they have a problem, will do so after the behaviour has become engrained over months or years and so it may be difficult to believe that change can happen. It may even be that neither can see that their resentment has cut them off from each other.
It is with this background that many couples find themselves making an appointment with a counsellor, who can help them reconnect. Perhaps the first step will be about helping the clients to communicate again. Helping them to relearn the ease with which they worked together when they first met. By working together and learning to embrace compassion and leave the hurt behind couples once again can learn to love and live again.