We all aspire to a good and health relationship. We want to be connected to our partner to be able to enjoy our lives together. Yet many relationships founder and even break up so what are some of the key things that can be done to make our relationship work.
There must be a connection between you. Most couples would say that they love each other or that their shared love for their children keeps them together. Yet is that enough? As we look at love in that context, it has to be more than just the word love, it has to be love the verb not love the noun. By that I mean that it is about doing things, new shared experience, time together, perhaps celebrating each other’s successes or supporting each other through crisis. Doing and achieving things together. When this stops you start to take withdrawals from the emotional bank of your relationship.
At the same time if you were to spend all the time every day together this would not help your relationship. Indeed good relationships are described as a balance between love and independence. Allowing some freedom outside of the relationship to spend with friends or pursue an interest so that you come back to the relationship enjoying that returning feeling.
Relationships are made of connection and communication, so to have a good relationship you need to pay attention to both of these. Some ritual of reconnection can make a big difference, for example a study in the 50s showed that men who were kissed by their wives when leaving to go to work had fewer accidents. Now while a kiss before going to work might be nice the wider point is that there is a tangible reminder of the family and what you mean to them. That sense of connection when you are away.
Into every life a little rain may fall and so it is with relationships inevitably in a long term relationship there are going to be trials to face and there will be fights. Perhaps in fact we should worry more about our relationship if there is no conflict. The key to conflict in a relationship is to listen, try to understand the other’s point of view even when you don’t accept it. This has two immediate effects one you are able to communicate much better in terms that mean something to your partner, and perhaps through listening you can propose a third way a way where you both get something of what you need, but better because your partner also has something of their needs met. It is surprising how often this third way appears when two people are really prepared to listen. However, even if agreement has proved impossible and one has to give way, there is the sense that next time it may be your partner who gives way and you have both been listened to.
There is no doubt that successful relationships are hard work, yet like a garden a little work often will produce stunning results.