In relationship counselling, the single issue that is most discussed is communication, but the feeling that is most often to be found lurking in the background is resentment. If we turn to our dictionary for a minute we find that resentment is bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. This seems to encapsulate the feelings of irritation of anger, animosity, irritation, indignation and hostility that can be focused on partners.
It is said that dirty socks and dirty dishes break far more relationships than affairs, I am not sure if this urban myth is true, but it highlights that the trivial the dripping tap over time has the potential to do as much damage to the relationship as a crisis like infidelity. Always leaving you to do your partners dirty dishes, has the potential to make you feel resentful because they are treating you unfairly expecting you always to clear up.
Resentment is best dealt with as soon as you notice it an essentially there are two ways of dealing with it. The first option is to accept that everyone is human, they make mistakes and they have blind spots. Let it go, accept none of us is perfect and that you probably have faults too. Sometimes that isn’t an option so you need to have a conversation with your partner about it. This needs to be an adult conversation, and that means one which is less accusatory and more exploratory. You are trying to find a way that the problem can be solved not to score points off your partner.
What comes as a surprise to many people who take the time to talk about the little things that they resent about their partner is how often their partner is completely unaware that it was so frustrating. Indeed after having had it mentioned they want to try to fix it. It is important to realise that because we are all human and all have faults it is likely that your partner may have some things they would like to talk to you about, and there is an opportunity to model how you would like to find solutions in your relationship.
As with all problems resentment is easier to tackle when it starts. If you resent the way that your partner has always criticised you in public during your 20 year marriage, you are unlikely to be able to tackle your resentment in a short conversation. Yet if it happened for the first time last night then there is an opportunity to tackle it and change things more easily for the future.
The process is simple, it is about both acknowledging your humanity and ability to make mistakes, and acknowledging that this had led to past bitterness and resentment. There has to be a willingness to change and to find a new way a way to talk about the difficulties in a solution focused way. Finally it is about commitment and staying power to change in the long term.
Perhaps there are a few simple things that your partner could do differently for you, perhaps you could set aside time to review your progress These changes may require the help of a counsellor, or you may feel that you can work through the past resentments on your own looking for an honest way to find a way forward.