There is little doubt that an affair is a catastrophic event in any relationship. The betrayal can drive the partners apart through anger, hurt, and feeling let down. Often partners talk of never being able to trust their partner again. Yet when an affair explodes into a marriage it need not be the end of the relationship.
Clearly it will depend on the individuals and a commitment to make the relationship work, but there is a sense in which it offers the opportunity perhaps forces the partners to take a hard look at the deeper issues that they may have.
While hardly the ideal way to try to fix a relationship an affair often derives from feelings and behaviours related to problems that have existed for some time and either can’t be talked about or are not talked about. The question must be “is it really the end”?
Both partners will have very strong perhaps overpowering feelings entering therapy to save their relationship. The ‘victim’ will be angry, perhaps devastated by the hurt or loss of trust. Conversely the partner who was unfaithful may be feeling remorse and guilty, and perhaps anger and confusion about himself.
The task in therapy is very much about hearing those very different feelings and trying to find a way that the partners can communicate again. Without that it is unlikely that the trust will be re-built. The process will involve looking at hard feelings, perhaps those that have been suppressed for many years. I have had clients who have been bottling up feelings about their partner for 20+ years. It is only the honesty in releasing those feelings that helps you to look at them in the cold light of day and decide if there are things that need addressed. In addition by saying them to your partner you offer them the chance to help perhaps to change.
Some common problems in relationships include
- Partners can feel taken for granted over the years, perhaps you feel that you are always the taxi driver or the one who has to do all of the washing, Leading to feelings that your partner doesn’t care.
- Differences in libido where one partner has a much larger libido than the other, this can lead to a sense of inadequacy or rejection
Problems such as these can build over many years and cause resentment, yet there is no dialogue to try to bridge the gap, only fights and anger. An affair is one way (a very risky and dramatic one) of saying my needs are not being met in our relationship.
Yet what of the claim that couples can recover from this. Anecdotaly many couples say that when they got through the affair the infidelity it forced them to confront the demons of their relationship. Often the alternative of splitting up had its own problems (children, finance, a genuine love for each other being thrown away) When they had found a way to talk through what was happening, when a real and meaningful apology was made and accepted they could address those deeper problems. Finally in the future having stared into the abyss they knew what they were gambling with and so were more focused on talking to each other and keeping their communication and their relationship going.