Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart. (Phyllis McGinley)
These words are behind many of the problems in today’s relationships. It reflects that instead of talking about the problems in out, we keep the issues inside, staying silent, perhaps even sulking at our partner’s lack of respect for our feelings. Can anything be done to rescue our relationship?
There are of course things to be done, and while you can try them for yourself often a relationship has got to a stage where the mistrust is too great and a third person or counsellor is required. The process is deceptively simple, yet don’t underestimate the power and don’t feel that there are bits that you already do well. If your relationship is not working perhaps you are missing part of the problem.
The key to good communication is to choose a time when you can both concentrate on what is being said. This can be difficult, perhaps you have kids, or the TV is always on, work gets in the way. Perhaps you need to make a date with your partner to discuss the issues, however you do it this sets up an environment to solve problems.
You then need to be open and honest in your communication. How do you feel about the relationship? If you have to criticise your partner, be careful not to accuse, talk about how their behaviour makes you feel. You cannot be in their head but you can explain how that affected you. This approach also affords an opportunity to respond rather than an immediate lurch to justify themselves.
Many people think that they have told their partner how they feel so they have communicated. But that is less than half of the story, the harder part; the much harder part is to listen. Listen carefully so that you could explain how your partner feels possibly better than they can. Don’t interrupt, don’t criticise listen, try to understand. If you need to clarify a point wait till the end.
If there is criticism, try to respect their point of view. “I understand that you found x very hurtful and I am sorry that you felt that, but I felt that I had to…” The important point is that you acknowledge the other person’s point of view even if you don’t agree with it. Perhaps you agree with some or all of it and again acknowledging that helps.
Is unlikely you will resolve all of your problems at one time so don’t be afraid to take a break especially if things are becoming heated. The search for a win-win solution or a compromise relies on you not giving up.
In short by making an effort and working at your relationship you can break the silence rather than the bones of your relationship.