Relationships can have a tremendous power in our life. When our relationship is going well we feel supported. We feel like we can take on the world. We feel that there is someone who will back us all the way.
Conversely when our relationship is failing it is a tremendous drain, we feel down, we can feel irritable. We feel that nothing is going our way, we may even feel that there is no place that we can turn to.
Each relationship is unique, we invest ourselves emotionally in them. While there are basics that every relationship seems to have of love, companionship, trust and so forth, people are in relationships for many different reasons, but can we discern common practices that make for good relationships?
One of the most unexpected behaviours of couples in great relationships is one of being able to have a separate life in which they are quite content. It is unrealistic to think that your partner can supply all of your needs and so having friends and interests outside of the relationships strengthens it.
Communication must be the most quoted quality of good relationships and not without good reason. The quality of the communication often goes to the heart of how well the relationship works. There are the big issues like sorting out conflicts, but equally important is being able to understand what is going on for your partner.
Intimacy is a key part of good relationships, and this is not necessarily about physical intimacy. This is about emotional intimacy. Touch, shared experience all of these help us bond and have even been shown to release the feel good hormones in our bodies. Of course this means that you need to make sure that you find time for your relationship. In the beginning you almost certainly had dates every week or perhaps more frequently. Yet as time and relationships develop, real life tends to creep in and we spend more and more time ‘veging’ out on the sofa with the TV than arranging to do things together. It is critical for your relationship to make time for yourselves, without it intimacy and the communication will suffer.
Conflict is a necessary part of a good relationship. Indeed conflict is part of any relationship, so being able to deal with it well is important. You need to feel safe to express your point of view and to resolve the problems so that you can come to a resolution that you can both accept. The danger is when conflict is not done well and resentment and angry start to build yet no feelings can be expressed for fear of the consequences.
Learning to spend time with each other and communicate well with each other are the two key things that you could do today to improve your relationship. Perhaps you have a shared interest or something you used to do which you could rekindle. Sometimes it takes couples counselling to get started and many couples find that a useful first step. But whatever way you decide to start you can make a difference.