When Jane and Tom moved in together 9 months ago everything seemed great. After going out together for 4 years, Tom had just got a new job as a trainee accountant and Jane had been promoted and was getting on in nursing. They spent their time together, enjoyed the same things. Went out with friends and would sen texts throughout the day to say “I love you”. It was the time to take their relationship to the next stage. Yet on that December afternoon when she arrived in my consulting room it seemed like the whole relationship had collapsed.
Now little comments got blown out of proportion, hardly a week would go by without a massive row. Usually this would end with one or both of them feeling miserable for days. Jane said that she loved Tom, but she didn’t know how to reach him. How could she get past the defences that they had both put up. She felt upset and alone, she wondered if the relationship was over.
Jane’s situation shows how change can affect a couple, especially if you don’t continue to work at the relationship to support each other through the change. Changes can feel very threatening and many things were changing for this couple they were moving from being partners who had their own distinct spaces to moving to living in a shared space where they needed to find their new way of carving out individual and shared space.
At the same time Tom is starting a new job this is a change for him, but there is a change for Jane too. She had to adapt to seeing him at different times because of her shift pattern. It meant that their domestic routine was disrupted (even more). Jane herself was under pressure from added responsibility. So there is a considerable threat around this relationship.
Each of the partners in responding to that threat is doing so from their own perspective. So they may easily take a comment the wrong way because when you are anxious and stressed it is hard to be objective. Conflict tends to trigger strong emotions. So we begin to see how the environment can create the problems that this couple is experiencing.
In Jane’s case through counselling, she was able to understand what was really troubling her. She also found that she was scared of conflict; her family had always “swept things under the carpet”. These meant issues could fester for years. By taking responsibility for her own anger and her own stress she was able to understand some of what was troubling Tom.
Slowly Tom and Jane began to talk more clearly about the issues that were causing so much pain in their relationship. She was surprised at how many of the same fears that Tom shared. Now some 4 months later they are a happy couple once again but they will be the first to tell you that
- Conflict is normal in relationships
- It is better dealt with as soon as possible
- It triggers many emotions so be prepared to take responsibility for them
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help
- Conflict really can make your relationship stronger.