Discussing problems with your partner
Perhaps 2015 is the year that you are going to deal with your problems with your partner. Perhaps you have even made a resolution to deal with the problems with your partner. Yet now we are in January and you are not quite sure how to tackle the subject. In this blog entry I hope to set out some easy ways in which you can discuss problems with your partner.
How couples fight
Unfortunately, in most relationships couples accuse each other. Thus they will suggest that they do not help enough around the house or that they are not romantic enough or perhaps do not help with the children. The accusations quickly break into a fight and the problems with your partner go unsolved.
The first tip is to focus on your feelings, how does your partner’s behaviour make you feel? You could say, “I hate having to do the washing-up all the time – could you help sometimes?” This helps by making it easier for you partner to hear the problem and focus on a solution, not feel they have to defend themselves from an accusation. It is a good way to start a discussion about a range of problems with your partner.
The second tip is to try to talk to each other side by side rather than facing each other. Often we feel threatened when talking about difficult issues face to face. It can trigger the fight or flight response in some people, better to give them the space to think their reaction through, perhaps at the dinner table or in the car. Remember your purpose is to solve your problems with your partner not to confront them with the problems.
The third tip is to avoid beating about the bush, don’t expect your partner to “know” what the problem is. They may be holding out on you but until someone names the problem, the problems with your partner are going to remain unsolved. Be direct say what the problems are and how they make you feel, and wait to hear how your partner responds.
The fourth tip is to listen to each other the important thing is to be able to understand how the other person feels as well as your own feelings. Only then can you truly solve the problems with your partner. The process of talking and listening will help you define the problem so that you can decide how to tackle it. For example you may decide that you need to be stricter with your daughter because of her recent behaviour. Your partner may want to take a live and let live approach (after all she is young and learning). You may disagree about the other’s parenting approach or actions, but the problem is what to do about our daughter. You should focus on that.
The fifth tip, may seem obvious, but it is to put whatever plan you agree to solve your problems with your partner into action. It is all well and good agreeing the best way forward for your relationship, but if nothing changes nothing will change.
There is a secret sixth tip which is to ask for help, go to a counsellor if you are finding the communication process to hard, a good counsellor should help you to get the skills you need to put your relationship back on track.