There is an army in Britain that fights and struggles, every day with difficult conditions. They often face situations and choices that we hope no-one would be faced with. Perhaps unsurprisingly they have to cope with difficulty and conflicting emotions. I am of course talking about the carers of the vulnerable, the elderly and the sick.
This article is not about the fine work of doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals who provide support. It is about the difficulties faced by family looking after a relative.
There is no such thing as a normal or a typical carer; they are all individuals trying to do the best for their charge. Their motivations for caring are many; love for the person, a sense of duty, a sense of being practical or a reflection of the love and enjoyment of time shared with the person being cared for.
However, even though there are fantastic reasons for caring, helping and supporting the person, the reality can be hard with many difficult times. There can be social isolation perhaps care has to be given 24/7 for the patient. Perhaps it is difficult to switch off or find people who truly understand how you feel. There can be frustration, perhaps the individual has knocked their breakfast to the floor for the 4th time that day, perhaps an Alzheimer’s patient has lashed out because they are frightened or perhaps the carer is having a bad day (like anyone else in the world) and the enormity of the situation weighs heavily on their shoulders.
There are wider conditions too, perhaps you feel let down by others in your family or the state care system. Perhaps you would like to see others in your family take their turn too. Perhaps they could support you if it’s too difficult for them to do the caring. However, sometimes you might feel they ignore the problems altogether.
Carers can often feel guilt about their feelings toward the person they are caring for, especially when those are negative feelings. Somehow those feelings are wrong and you are a bad person for thinking that way.
Yet there are steps that you can take our Glasgow counselling service often helps carers and they report feeling better for allowing themselves the space to be honest about how they feel about the situation they are in. You might benefit from some of the following:
Accept that you are human
It can be difficult to accept mistakes or negative feelings when it involves someone that you love. Somehow it seems to magnify the feelings. Yet in the end we are all only human and fallible. You cannot be in two places at one time and you can’t always see the unforeseen. Steve Callahan, a sailor, didn’t foresee being shipwrecked in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. He was to drift for 70 days before being rescued. During that time he had very little food or water, his raft capsized many times in shark infested waters because of mistakes. He punctured the raft on many occasions with knives or fishing hooks in his bid for survival, necessitating repairs to the raft, some underwater. How easy it would have been to give up saying you weren’t good enough. Yet interviewed after his rescue Steve said that he coped in the most difficult moments with a little mantra. “I am doing the best that I can, that’s all that anyone can ask of me.” I suspect that his days are very different from yours, yet ultimately however, poor the situation you are doing your best to survive it and sometimes that involves misjudgements and mistakes.
Look after yourself
Caring for someone can take its toll both physically and mentally. If only to make sure that you can offer the best possible care you need to look after yourself. Obviously a week in the Algarve to recharge your batteries in the sun has to be balanced against the practical realities of your situation. You won’t feel able to relax if you feel that things are chaotic if you are not there. Perhaps therefore your break needs to be something smaller, a carer once per week, use of befriending services or day care for a few hours. The important thing is to give you and your body a chance to recover. Your particular situation will determine what help is available. Carers groups and social services can offer invaluable advice and help. Even if friends and family seem reluctant to care for the long term often they will visit to give you a little time off.
While a lot of the time you may feel isolated and alone you are not the only person who has these feelings, these practical problems. Carers groups are fantastic for peer support and practical steps including financial advice to make sure that you are getting all the financial help that is available. Similarly you’re GP and social services can arrange for a range of help.
If you are finding it difficult to cope, I know given my experience of counselling in Glasgow that many people use the confidential nature of counselling to really explore their feelings to get them ready to take on the task at hand.
In conclusion
Caring for someone can be a hugely rewarding experience. Yet there is no doubt it has its down side, isolation, frustration and difficult moments. You should not feel alone however, as there is help out there if you ask. You should look after yourself at least as well as your loved one and that can include asking for help from family friends, social services or counsellors.