In relationship counselling I write all of the time that communication is the single thing which goes wrong with most relationships. Improving the way that you communicate as a couple is the single most important thing that you can do.
Yet I think sometime that the word communication has now such a broad meaning that it is worth taking some time to look at what communication is in a functioning strong relationship. Often we think of a conversation as communicating and in the broad sense it is. But if we look a little closer we can see that there are several things going on. There is talking, but for meaningful communication to take place that requires that the other person listens and understands (or asks for clarification) If both parties simply talk at each then they are not communicating.
Ok so that is very basic, perhaps even blindingly obvious in terms of communication yet it is amazing how often it applies to our normal communication. We are busy or stressed or angry and so on so we don’t take the time to listen.
In his book on the habits of highly effective people Steven Covey talks about how important it is to understand the other person before you speak yourself. In that way you can tailor your communication to match their expectations fears and so forth. Perhaps they are coming across as angry when in fact they are frustrated and a fight ensues, perhaps if you understood and acknowledged that you would be able to avoid the conflict.
Of course it would be wrong to suggest that conflict can be avoided all together. Conflict may appear in even the best of relationships. The difference is in how the conflict is handled. If you can take the anger out of the conflict and get to the issues. You can express your anger by all means but own it, “I am angry because you didn’t take the bins out like you promised”. It links your feeling to the facts and is less accusatory in nature. It can be used for bigger issues too “I feel that we just don’t do things together anymore and I am sad about that, I wondered how you felt” again own the feeling and ask for a response. You might correctly say that it makes you vulnerable but that is part of being in a relationship.
It’s always worth remembering that it’s rare for a partner to do things to hurt you. We are all searching for love and some are lucky enough to find it.