It’s been a strange week and I’ve begun to notice how easily people fall into the habit of people pleasing. It’s almost like it is built into us to put other people first. I am not sure if this is a learned behaviour or it’s programmed as a survival mechanism.
This week I saw two friends almost come to blows, perhaps you have seen something similar. They had been chatting over coffee and a cake and the bill arrived. They both reached for their purses and insisted that the other should put their purse away. The discussion got quite heated, until the peer pressure in the restaurant prevailed and they split the bill.
There was something for me about a win-win situation. There was something about each of the people wanting to pay at some level to show how much they cared for the other person, and then become quite angry as that person rejected their proposal. Perhaps it’s okay to gracefully accept the gift and know that while the other is paying that they are in fact getting a positive stroke from that act and you are getting a positive stroke from giving them that opportunity. You want to show them you care so let them show you they care.
So often in the counselling room, I see people anxious about what others might think and they change their behaviour to match the expectation of society, of friends or of family. They push their real self down into a box until it can be hard for them to really see who they are. Perhaps it’s time that we all did that process a little more consciously and acknowledged when we are putting our own needs aside for the needs of others, so that we are more honest (with ourselves) about our motives and how we feel about actions. Sometimes it will be right and sometimes we will feel it to be wrong but at least we’ll know what we are choosing and have a choice to do something different. We are in fact helping others to help themselves.