Relationships are under more and more strain in the 21st century. There are financial demands, time demands and even the demands of others which detract from the time available for our relationships. In this post I thought I would look at the key elements of a loving and stable relationship.
You need to continue to stay involved and interested in each other. As a counsellor I often hear of couples drifting apart perhaps as a result of circumstance, perhaps because of an experience. Sometimes we learn to co-exist we become almost like flatmates, we do some things together but it is a bit of an act. This very often hits couples when their children leave home and suddenly they realise they have nothing to talk about. So stay interested and involved in your partner’s life.
You need to know how to fight. Surprising isn’t it that a good relationship has many fights and disagreements in its lifetime, the difference is being able to deal with conflict in an appropriate way. It is not whether you shout at each other or whether you quietly discuss. It is the environment that you create. That both of you have the chance to express yourself and that you feel safe enough to do so. No one is made to feel small or that they are the weaker in the partnership.
You also need space outside of the relationship. You need others whom you socialise with, interests to follow. If not all of your happiness is riding on the success of your relationship. That is an immense amount of pressure and given that a relationship is a living thing, it will have ups and downs. It is at those moments the balance and insight offered by the outside can really help.
Finally and perhaps most importantly is the ability to talk openly and honestly to each other. Don’t paint over the cracks, it’s easy to whitewash over problems, but as someone once said whitewashing a picket fence makes it look real nice, but it doesn’t make it any stronger. Remember that listening and communicating early on can head off big problems while they are still small. If it is a fear – speak about it, if it is a feeling share it and if it is a desire let your partner in on the secret.
Small things but they all help to build strong sustainable relationships.