Most relationships go through difficult times. Sometimes they are arguments or conflicts which while there may be anger and frustration they are sorted out and you move forward. However there are problems that do not meet this model and they can be more difficult to decide what to do. A few good examples might be the discovery of an affair, or running up a large amount of debt or spending too much time away from the family.
There are some key stages that can help you overcome the difficulties. First both of you need to be ready to solve the problem, you need to try to acknowledge the other persons point of view “ I can see that you are angry” or “I know that I have hurt you”. The key here is to get to a place where you are both prepared to solve the problem to listen and be honest with each other. If one of you is in the wrong and you want to apologise this is the time to do it. A word of warning though, don’t attach an excuse or justify the mistake when making an apology. Wait until you are asked for an explanation. To do otherwise undermines the apology and begins to look like an excuse. “I am sorry that I went with her BUT …”
The next step is to talk about the issue, with the emphasis on talk not shout or yell or interrupt. Both partners should have an opportunity to talk and both should feel that they have had a chance. Usually it is best to criticise things not people, to describe how you felt about the other persons behaviour rather than to make absolute statements of judgement “You always let me down” even if true it will put the other person on the defensive and potentially stop the dialogue. When you have talked it out it is time to decide how you move forward.
The way you move forward will be about an agreed plan, perhaps a set of promises that you can both agree on. Be wary of promises that are about one person’s feelings “I will feel that I trust you again”, for it isn’t likely that you will be able to measure that or find evidence to support that. Remember that compromise isn’t a weakness and perhaps it is even strength to give and take. Remember that you can’t chain your partner up nor should you want to, learning to trust again is about understanding that they were loyal even when they had the opportunity not to be.
Going forward, concentrate on honest open communication, just because someone is forgiving does not mean that the deed is forgotten. Yet to re-visit the deed every time you have a fight suggests that you haven’t talked through all of your feelings so perhaps you need to attend to that.
It is a difficult process to go through so many seek the help of an agency or of a counsellor and perhaps that might help you.