Many couples come to relationship counselling talking about conflict. While the conflicts may be about important issues, a problem of equal value is often the way that the issue is discussed.  In fact talking about the issue is an issue!

Perhaps one of the best skills that any couple can have is a way to deal with conflict, a set of principles or rules by which they can discuss their relationship issues that keep them respectful of each other and on track for finding a solution that they can both accept.

Some of the very basics are important. Know what you are arguing about.  Perhaps you agree on “what” is to be done but disagree about “how”. Or perhaps it is “what” is to be done or who is to do it. Being clear about what the problem is makes sure that you are not talking at cross purposes.

Couple resolved relationship issuesMaking sure that you have time to discuss the problem is important, don’t try to discuss if you should move house as you are trying to get out to work in the morning, devote proper time to resolving the problem so that you can listen and be heard.  In a similar vein don’t let arguments drag on for hours, set a time limit.

When it comes to sitting down and talking, pay attention to each other, make eye contact, acknowledge if your partner makes a point you agree with or that you think is valid. Speak honestly about how you feel and acknowledge your partner’s feelings.

It’s important to stick to the matter in hand; many relationship issues are caused by couples re-visiting past arguments or grievances and try to include those unresolved issues. It can be easy to generalise the problem and lose sight of the relationship issue to hand. Focus on the issue you identified. It’s important to notice that for many of the same reasons ‑ leave other people’s opinion’s out of the conflict. “My mother said…” is not helpful. Speak about your feelings the resolution is between you and your partner.

You can decide to stop arguing if the conflict is getting too heated or if you have reached your time limit, but agree when you are going to come back to the issue. Very often this period allows everyone to reflect and it is amazing how much further you seem to get second time around.

It is important to realise that there may be some issues that you have to agree to differ. For some things that will mean accepting that the other person holds a different opinion. Yet for some things (e.g. moving house) it may not be possible and a practical solution like one person giving way for the sake of the relationship will have to be explored.

Relationship counselling can make a big difference in helping you to understand each other and to put these principles into action.  If you think that conflict has become out of control in your relationship perhaps it is time to call us.