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judgement

Is the grass greener or just in need of a paint job?

failsuccessThe grass they say is always greener on the other side. This saying is well known throughout the world. It states that unspoken idiom that we all see to feel that things would be better; if we were someone else; if we lived somewhere else; if we had made a different decision or even if we had some possession or other. There is a sense in which part of the human condition always seems to be about comparing ourselves to others. She has beautiful hair, much better than mine. If I had a car like that I’d be really happy. Yet is the grass greener? Continue reading

Lets talk about suicide

shadowIn 2011 in Scotland there were 772 deaths by suicide a fall on 2010, but the number still represents 2 per day and that is 2 too many Perhaps if we were all a bit more comfortable about what is happening for the person with suicidal thoughts we would be able to do some good.

Suicide comes from a set of feelings and thoughts where the person feels helpless, that things can never get better and there is nothing they can do that will make their life better ever. They want to stop the pain the feelings that they are suffering. Continue reading

Take control of your anger today

AngerWhile anger has its place if anger is not managed it can become a very dangerous thing.

“He’s just cut in front of me”; “Why is it always me that clears the kitchen”; “how dare they say that!” We all get angry at some time. Perhaps we are treated unfairly or with no respect or you feel you have to defend yourself. There is that moment when anger grips us and we seem to lose control in our need to get something changed and changed now. Continue reading

Pass or fail there is always a benefit

The best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men,
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!
(The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!)

Robert Burn’s words reflect what we all discover in your life; that no matter how well you plan things happen then can throw you off course. As we approach the end of the month many of us will have failed with our New Year resolutions despite hoping to benefit. Continue reading

Confidence

There are times when we all lack confidence, perhaps when trying something new, or giving a public presentation. Yet some people have a more chronic problem having lost all self-confindence and beliving that they can’t achieve anything. Perhaps you have noticed this in yourself. For example do you find yourself constantly apologising either for your mistakes or more worryingly, yourself. Fortunately there are things that can be done to imporve your self-confidence and take back a bit of control. The process is straight forward but does need a little courage and time to work. So if you try and fail a few times, trust the process and get back on the horse. This might be the time you suceed. Continue reading

Social Anxiety and the difficulty of going out

Can I step outWe perhaps all dreaded making a phone call to someone or an organisation at some point in our lives. Perhaps you recognise the embarrassment of spilling your drink over yourself at a night out or perhaps you like so many others hate speaking in front of groups of people. So imagine of your whole life was controlled by these fears.

When the phone rang you couldn’t answer it because you believe you would become tongue-tied and make a fool of yourself.  You daren’t eat or drink infront of others for fear of being judged for what you eat or how you eat. Anxiety can seem to interfere with every aspect of your life, with a negative impact on your normal routine. Without treatment it can bring the person to a place where they cannot cope with life. Continue reading

Relationship counselling and affairs

Key-signs-that-you-might-need-relationship-counselling

Perhaps you are considering relationship counselling because of infidelity.  Infidelity always effects relationships it is an undeniable sign that at least one partner has issues be they physical or emotional that are not being met.  So as well as being a crisis infidelity is also a sign of a crisis and one reason that you might want to get relationship counselling.

Jennifer and Bob had come to relationship counselling after Bob had an affair with a family friend. Jennifer described the hurt of finding out like ripping her heart out and pouring salt on the wound. Shock and rage had run through her body and she threw Bob out of the house.  As the days went on she realised that she had questions about what had happened and while furious at Bob came to realise that she wasn’t ready to give him up.

Jennifer’s experience is common of people entering relationship counselling that moment of finding out that brings your world crashing down, even if you suspected something was happening. Mixed in with the anger though is a sense of loss, a loss of the dream of a commited relationship, loss of the bond of trust. This sudden destruction of a person’s world is almost universal in relationship counselling.

Jennifer chose to throw Bob out, yet this is often not the best idea. Not through compassion for the betrayer, but rather to let you try to make sense of what has happened, to ask some of the questions. In relationship counselling it is common to hear:

  • Why did it happen?
  • Were they ever here in our home?
  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Did you ever consider us?
  • And many, many more.

So don’t make that decision in that moment of anger, wait till you are surer about your feelings and what you want to happen next, when you have taken stock of your emotions and the information.

One of the main reasons that people are in relationship counselling is to try to move on. This is not an easy step as it is easy to become trapped by what has happened. It is easy not to grieve for the loss of the relationship you thought you had.  Of course the partner must cut all ties with the person the affair was with.

The evidence is that most couples leaving relationship counselling feel they have a stronger relationship and preventing the corrosive feelings and not neglecting the relationship – but rather working at it.

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